Sometimes, when dealing with Narcissists (those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder “NPDs”) it would be easy to describe them as having a Jekyll and Hyde personality. However, what we have to remember is there is no kindly Dr Jekyll with these types. There are only Mr Hydes, or Sister Hydes; and the masks they wear to convince their victims that they are something good or positive rather than evil.
Original Article Link: https://icucss.wordpress.com/2023/08/07/the-two-faces-of-evil/
People in situations with NPDs (Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder), often ask:
- “Why did I not realise?”
- “Why did I not see or pay attention to the warning signs?”
- “How could I not see it coming?”
But of course, there generally are warning signs. People in these situations have often been vulnerable to begin with. They may have suffered some loss or be extremely desperate for company and so much so they don’t question if someone genuinely has positive intent or not. It just feels good to have that good friend, partner etc that they ignore the bad signs and concentrate on the good. There are also times when such people believe that if they act on the warning signs they’ll lose their good friend/partner which they’re so desperate to have in their lives. Warning signs could include:
- Their NPD friend/partner being angry over something the victim cannot help. The NPD apologises and the victim accepts the apology. But the NPD does the same thing again on another occasion and another. The victim keeps forgiving them because they believe if they take offense and react they’ll lose this perfect person they’re so desperate to have; especially if the victim believes they might upset them.
- The NPD accuses the victim of doing things, not pulling their weight or not putting an equal share into their friendship/relationship. The victim then addresses the balance and gives more input because they do not want to lose the friendship/relationship. The NPD seems satisfied but then applies the same strategy to other areas of the victim’s life.
In each case, the victim is alone and vulnerable. They need someone in their life because they’re desperate for company. The NPD comes along and sounds ideal. The NPD realises how desperate the victim is and uses this to their advantage.
The NPD realises the victim is so desperate to hang onto the friendship/relationship that they’ll do anything to keep it going. The NPD also realises that the victim won’t stand up for themselves, especially if the NPD says the victim has upset them. They’ll know this because they will have tested the victim to see how they react to certain situations. They often test their victims to find out how they react and how to control them.
The NPD’s greatest weapon is the victim believing they need the relationship/friendship with the NPD. The NPD can therefore completely control the victim and steer the victim into doing whatever they want because of that desperate need to keep the relationship/friendship going at any cost.
The NPD will use typical tactics against the victim, including playing as a victim themselves and trying to bully parts of their victim’s personality out of them. The end result that the victim becomes like the NPD and completely subservient to their needs. Otherwise the NPD has to also please the victim’s needs which they have no genuine interest in doing. So they try to bully those needs and behaviours out of the victim and instil the NPD’s needs and behaviours as replacements. The NPD is effectively trying to create a cloned copy of themselves. As to why is difficult to determine, but many have speculated this to be because the NPD feels very alone and there is no one like them who can cater for their individual needs. Therefore, the NPD tries to instil their own personality and behaviours into someone else through psychological manipulation, bullying and abuse.
An NPD will ALWAYS pick on someone emotionally vulnerable, simply because they are easy targets. Someone emotionally strong will stand up for themselves and not stand for bullying in any form. The NPD wants it to be easy, not to come off worse so they will avoid those they cannot control and instead pick the ones in desperate need. It is that desperate need that makes a victim vulnerable. All the NPD has to do is to pretend to offer what the victim needs and the victim will be hooked. The NPD knows the victim will not easily pull away because they’re desperate for a connection with another human being. But so desperate that they’ll ignore the warning signs because they believe they’re with a nice person when in reality they’ve only experienced one of the many NPD’s fake facades.
Victims can also be afraid to stand up for themselves and even defend who they are. This can be because they’ve been in abusive situations where they’ve been attacked, verbally abused, threatened if they’ve ever dared to fight back. There’s also likely have been some psychological abuse in which the victim has been made to feel fearful if they ever thought about standing up for themselves of been made to fear some sort of loss if they try to stand up for themselves. Victims are often subjected to the most horrific forms of psychological abuse in order to prevent them from fighting back and being free. This can also include emotional blackmail and instilled beliefs that the victim has hurt the NPD and only the victim is the one doing harm.
Let’s have a look at a case study to see this sort of situation in play. It’s based on an actual victim’s experience with an NPD whom they believed was their friend. We’ve had to disguise the names to keep the identities confidential. This is Paul’s story.
Paul’s Story
“I was in a desperate and vulnerable situation. I’d actually just lost a good friend who made my life worth living. He made me feel alive and being around him made me strive to make life better.”
“He had to leave my life unfortunately leaving me in a very desperate state. I didn’t realise how much until I felt the empty gap left by him. I just needed a good friend by then.”
“It was then that David came into my life. He was friendly, funny and chatty. He really wanted to interact with me and seemed to like similar activities. Eventually the friendship grew and we became good mates. I felt I could tell him virtually anything without fear of being condemned or criticised.”
“I should point out I did grow up in a very abusive environment. My family never understood me or didn’t seem to care. I don’t ever remember feeling any genuine care or love from them, nor any sort of emotional support. Whilst I didn’t get everything I needed from David, I got a good friendship which is something I’d desired for years. We became good friends, got on very well and helped each other when were able.”
“Were there warning signs of what was to come? Kind of. I sort of saw them but didn’t act on them. I was still very fragile from living in an abusive environment and there are still things even today I find it hard to do. David seemed to just expect me to do them and got irritated if I didn’t. he later apologised and I was grateful we hadn’t lost our friendship over it. It happened again occasionally but I never reacted aggressively over it. I do start to wonder if he was trying to get me to react in a specific way hence why he kept repeating it. I sometimes think ‘was he trying to goad me into reacting aggressively so he could play the victim and emotionally program part of my behaviour out of me?’”
“Generally speaking, we got on more or less fine apart from that. Though there was an incident that really struck me as odd. Suddenly David started distancing himself and saying I should really make amends with my abusers, as if it was my fault and I was the one who should be correcting the problem. It really shocked me. I couldn’t speak to him for a long time after because I felt really emotionally hurt that he would suggest such a thing.”
“Later, David got back in contact with me. He didn’t really apologise for what he’d suggested, but he just never seemed to talk about it. I assumed he’d realised he shouldn’t have suggested that. He seemed to start helping me and supporting me when I needed it. Things seemed to be OK for a while and we appeared to be getting on like great friends.”
“He suggested we get away for a short break. This I was fine with as I trusted him, why wouldn’t I? It was during the break that things started to change, or rather HE started to change.”
“It was odd irritations at first. I wasn’t pulling my weight, I wasn’t doing things how he wanted them doing. I was not inputting enough. So I thought ‘well OK I’ll adjust my behaviour so it makes him happier.’ I assumed that would make things OK and tried really hard to be a really good mate.”
“But later other things started happening. I was getting criticised for who I was and the things I liked. He was putting across that only his world view mattered and he looked at me like I had no idea what I was talking about. The look in his eyes was one of someone looking down upon me like he completely knew better and I was just fooling myself that I knew anything about life.”
“It was like a complete change of personality. My friend as I had known him no longer existed. It was like I was now in the company of this monster. It got worse though.”
“Next he was doing things that were odd and then accused me of doing them to him. I did everything I could to show him respect but this just seemed to irritate him more. It was as if he was trying to get a violent reaction out of me and I do admit I did feel that way by this point. But I also knew if I had reacted badly it would have been REALLY bad and I didn’t want turn into that sort of person. I just had to keep calm like I was treading on eggshells. I wanted it to be over, I just wanted to be out of it.”
“He started taking his temper out on other people next and just started taking everything I said as insults. Where had my friend gone??? The friend I knew didn’t exist, replaced by this monster. Once again David also tried to really instil in me that I should make up with my abusers and should change my attitude towards them. He claimed that actually they were good people and I was the one who needed to change my attitude and behaviour. I felt so hurt and upset. I can’t believe someone would suggest to my face that I should change and accept my abusers into my life. It was horrible.”
“I didn’t want to speak to him again afterwards. He’d broken my trust and I just didn’t want to be in that situation. I needed him out of my life. It really did feel like he wanted a specific reaction and got frustrated and angry when I didn’t give it. He tried every trick in the book to get it but I just remained calm. My friend had gone and I had to learn to look after myself once again. But, was David ever my friend in the first place?”
Analysis and Conclusion
An interesting case. A Narcissist that couldn’t win, though they tried. The NPD (Narcissist) did indeed try to get a specific reaction out of the victim but failed every time. Likely so they could play at being the victim and get the real victim to change their behaviour to be more sympathetic to the Narcissist’s needs.
This is a rather extreme case of Covert Narcissism in play. According to source information it happened quite quickly. The victim had already been through abuse so maybe as Paul healed he became more immune to the narcissist’s manipulation. He didn’t seem himself as the perpetrator, though he did try to adjust his behaviour to keep the NPD calm.
The fact that the NPD didn’t stay calm just proves that the intent all along was to steer, coerce and bully the victim into feeling guilt about his own behaviour, and to instead adopt the personality of the Narcissist as a replacement. A common tactic with Narcissists. One we need to be aware of so fewer people fall victim to this type of manipulation.
Some people give in to this kind of manipulation and adopt the behaviours of the NPD because they have been psychologically abused to believe their own behaviours are somehow wrong or harmful. However, some people are strong enough to fight back and many have been lifelong victims themselves. So there is still hope to prevent more people from becoming victims or even becoming Narcissists themselves.
