We’ve already covered how people can be turned against genuine healthy connections by manipulative people in If It’s Broken Don’t Try To Fix It https://icucss.wordpress.com/2021/07/20/if-its-broken-dont-try-to-fix-it/
In this article we will be focusing the techniques a manipulator will use to sever and control genuine healthy connections between people.
The Manipulator
A manipulative individual who exploits people for their own ends and will go as far as breaking up genuine healthy connections between people if they believe it will benefit them.
As in the previous article, If It’s Broken Don’t Try To Fix It, we’ll be using the Person A, B and C model to illustrate this.
Just to recap, below (Figure 1) are the Three Stages of Manipulation.
- Person A and Person B are genuine healthy connections.
- Person C is the Manipulator.
(Left) — Person A and B forming a genuine healthy connection. Person C sees Person B as someone that will benefit them. They cannot do anything whilst A and B are connected as they see this as competition. If Person C was in a healthy state they wouldn’t try to break connections but simply connect with people in a healthy way. If C person had a healthy genuine connection with Person B they wouldn’t need to use manipulation to acquire them; they’d just connect naturally.
(Middle) — C befriends Person A to learn about any vulnerabilities they can use. Person C also connects with Person B and learns about them and any fears or vulnerabilities they might have.
(Right) — Person C uses the information, learnt from Person A, to make Person B fear and distrust Person A. Thereby a barrier is now created between Person A and Person B. Person C has to control both sides but also to keep them apart so the only Person A or B will trust is C.
The manipulator is not strong and healthy. If they were were they would not need to resort to manipulative techniques to connect with someone. If they have to manipulate someone in order to connect this just proves there’s no genuine connection in the first place. If there was a genuine healthy connection then they would just connect automatically; no need for manipulation in genuine healthy connections.
The Manipulator In Control
For Figure 2 the Manipulator (Person C) positions themselves (figuratively speaking) in between Person A and Person B. This allows them to control any information or communication between the two. It also allows Person C to prevent Person A and Person B reconnecting by preventing each one from receiving genuine information from the other.
(Left) — Person C positions themselves between Person A and Person B. So any communication between A and B must go between Person C. Person C acts like a filter. Any information going through not in Person C’s best interests will be filtered out or removed.
(Middle) — In normal healthy connection between A and B communication is direct and each one receives exactly what the other wants them to receive.
(Right) — If Person A wants to get a message to Person B they will send it through Person C.
Person C will make it clear to both parties that all communication goes through them. They may not say it out loud but will imply and make it very clear.
The trouble is, one or both parties, A or B, will not realise Person C is a manipulator and therefore will assume information being passed to each one is as they are sending it.
- Person A sends a message to Person B, but asks Person C to pass on the message to B.
- Person C thinks about it. If any information is in there that might allow A to genuinely connect with B then Person C will remove those parts and/or modify the message to give the impression that A isn’t really bothered about B.
- Sometimes Person C will just not pass on the message if they think it goes against their agenda. But they will tell A they did pass it on. When Person A receives no response they assume B wasn’t interested.
- Alternatively Person C might make up a response to make A believe that B wasn’t interested. Maybe for example –
- “I’m sorry but B says they really are very busy and get back to you when they’re able.”
- When A asks for a response later then C might again say “Well they did say they were busy. You need to realise you can’t be number 1 priority in their life”
Person C only cares about pursuing their own agenda. They do not care about the emotional effect their methods have on A or B. If they both separate then C just sees this as a win. They don’t care if one or both suffers trauma, shock or sadness as a result. Person C’s happiness is the only one that matters to them.
- Person B receives a modified message or no message at all. With the lack of body to communication messages received from A, B might think that A is no longer interested in a genuine connection.
- Person B sends a message to Person A through Person C. Person C does the same as with A. Person B begins to feel unhappy with A because they’re no longer communicating in any genuine way.
Person A and B begin to feel anger and disappointment with each other; not realising their real messages aren’t getting through to each other. This perfectly serves Person C’s agenda because it means A and B will less enthusiastic about reconnecting.
The Covert Manipulator
This is similar to the above except Person A is not aware of Person C being in the communication line.
The way this usually happens is when A is not in direct physical contact with B. Like say for some reason Person B has chosen only to contact Person A by non-verbal and non-physical means. This in itself should raise suspicion to any normal functioning person. But a person who has experienced trauma may not easily recognise when something doesn’t make sense.
It could of course be a distance thing, but then why the non-verbal communication only.
Figure 2 illustrates what is happening. The belief is Person A assumes they are communicating directly with Person B. However, the reality is that Person C has control of the communication between A and B. It would be pretty simple for C to do this; especially if they were known to C and possibly A.
A number of ways a Person C could slot themselves into the communication line are:
- A work situation and Person C offers to help Person B with emails, phone calls etc. Might seem legit to Person B but to a Manipulator it is the perfect opportunity to make sure there is no effective or healthy communication between A and B.
- A controlling family member who has complete control over Person B.
- Another controlling person — a friend or maybe a partner.
- Someone who sees Person A as a threat and uses their connection with B to intercept communications to and from A and B.
Once The Manipulator (Person C) has control of the line of communication, they can control the relationship between A and B and each party will never know their communication is being messed with. Person C could simply tell Person B that Person A has sent no communications to them. Or tell them some lie about what has been said. Or miss out or change vital details so the message from A or B has no positive impact on their communication.
Reasons for such interception could include:
- A controlling work colleague who sees Person A as a threat to whatever agenda they have going.
- A controlling or abusive parent who wants their child completely cut off from anyone who could help them.
- A controlling partner who doesn’t want anyone else making Person B happy but themselves. Or they see Person B being happy as being a threat to their control i.e. Person B might leave Person C if Person A makes them genuinely happy.
- A controlling family member who wants Person B only to be close to them and no one else.
Always be suspicious and ask questions if a genuine healthy connection suddenly cuts off all verbal and physical communication for no obvious or logical reason.
Always question if the remaining communication feels unenthusiastic or feels like they’re not interested and trying to push you away; that is if previous verbal and physical communication felt normal and positive. It is most likely that who you’re talking to is not your genuine connection. If you cannot physically see your connection and they’re sounding off then don’t take what is being told to you as being the absolute truth, unless you’re absolutely certain it’s them at the other end of the communication line.
Difference Between Truth and Lies
Another point to remember is if that’s a genuine person on the other end the truth will not alter. If the story changes or keeps getting changed but put across that this is what they always said was the case then it’s likely that it is not the same person. This technique is also known as Gaslighting.
- If a person is telling the truth then they will tell the same story every time. There might be a variation in the words used but it will still describe the situation truthfully. If they are being honest and want to change it they will simply say they have changed their mind or be honest that they’re having some difficulties.
- If a person is telling a lie then that person has to recall that lie every time they need to remember it. It’s a lot harder to recall a lie than to recall the truth. The truth genuinely happened so is an actual remembered event. A lie is not a real event that is in the memory.
- If it’s a manipulator and they are lying then the situation will seem to change each time. e.g. once they promised to do certain things, next it’s less things, and less and less each time. But they will always emphasis that the lesser thing is what they originally said. Again a Gaslighting technique. It is to get the victim to question their sanity and wonder if their memory is at fault about what was originally said to them. “Did I imagine it all? Was Person B really never interested? Was it all in my mind that Person B was interested? Maybe it wasn’t real and was just a fantasy of mine”. Person C wants Person A to believe Person B never had any interest in them and it was just a fantasy created in Person A’s head. If Person A believes this then Person C will have won. Person A will then never attempt to reconnect with Person B because they believe that it was just a fantasy created in their head.
- Another thing to remember is that Person C is actually in fear. They’re in fear Person A may find out. So it would not be uncommon for Person C to be in fear when covertly communicating and make mistakes in their lies. When people are in fear they are not thinking logically and they make mistakes. Because the fear is dominating their thought patterns the fear is blocking out any genuine logical processes.
When a healthy person does something they are not in fear and going by the truth. So their thought process will be like in Figure 3
(Left) — Person A (Healthy) identifies the necessary steps to complete a process. Anything irrelevant is ignored as not important.
(Right) — Person A (Healthy) goes through each step one at a time at a relaxed healthy pace. If they discover something missing later they simply add it on later. They don’t go into a panic or feel things are out of control and need to be in control all the time. A healthy person does not feel the need to be in control totally at once because they know that would mean too many processes running at once and would lead to an overload in thinking such as panic, anxiety, stress. They recognise this is not a healthy way to be so just allows themselves to take things one step at a time.
When a manipulator (Person C) puts their thinking into action, their process is unhealthy. Because they want total control and feel they need to control everything at once. By doing this they believe it is the only way to win and hold onto power. Figure 4 illustrates their thinking process.
(Left) — Person C believes the only way they can win is if they can control every possible aspect and/or possible outcome. If they can control this much then nothing will be beyond them. However this much control is a large burden on someone’s thought processes. So in order to retain control of this size the need to bring in help.
(Middle) — Person C brings in F type people, or a Person F. A Person F represents someone, not quite as controlling as Person C but under the control of Person C. They can’t be anyone above Person C otherwise C would then have no control.
(Right) — Under Person C’s instructions, the F People will be guided to control other aspects that need to be controlled. This allows the burden of control taken from C to allow C to concentrate on the overall process.
A perfect system? No, not really because it’s too much to think about and if anything goes wrong with one of the F types they’ll need replacing so again C will have to do something about this. At some point, a Person C will crack under the strain and burn out; though it might take a while to do this and may cause a lot of damage before this actually occurs.
Figure 4 — Click for Larger Image
Person C will eventually burn out under the strain and retreat. Though the damage may have been done by this point. That is, the objective has been mostly achieved therefore Person C is no longer required. Or rather, no longer required to be doing anything against Person A because Person A has by this point completely withdrawn and lost all hope of reconnecting.
One final thing to note in this section, Person C may recognise that Person A is more fragile and thereby only focus their attack on Person A. If one side is weaker then a Manipulator may only need to focus their attention on one side. So Person A pulls away, loses all hope of reconnection and never looks back.
What The Manipulator Will Try To Do
The Manipulator (Person C) sees Person A as a threat and must sever or discourage Person A from communicating with Person B and vice versa.
With Person C controlling the communication line they can say anything they like to A or B and nothing will be noticed.
Person C will likely be known to both but not in all cases. They might only be known to Person B.
Once Person C has control of communication and has been manipulating it, they must prevent Person A and Person B from meeting again or their game will be up. Or, if they do meet, Person C must be there to make sure they have the situation under control. And Person C could very easily manipulate a controlled meeting into making Person A believe that Person B doesn’t want to communicate. Person C may have warned Person B not to communicate before the meet or something bad will happen to them. So if a controlled meeting went ahead Person B might seem down and not communicating whenever Person A tries to engage them in conversation.
Figures 5 and 6 show how communication could be blocked. In both these cases Person C does not pass on Person A’s message to Person B. Alternatively, Person C might pass some other negative communication to Person B to make them believe Person A is no longer interested. Either way, it will make Person B believe that Person A has no interest in communicating.
Even if Person B does try to communicate it is likely either the message will not get through or it will be twisted to cause a negative reaction in Person A.
Person A might begin to think that Person B is not interested or be asking lots of questions why they aren’t responding.
Wouldn’t Person B Realise Something Was Amiss and try Direct Communication?
Could be a number of reasons Person B might not do that including:
- Person B could be in a controlling or abusive setting where they feel they have no real control of their own.
- Person B might actually trust Person C (The Manipulator) and not realise their true motives.
- Person B might ask Person C what’s happening and Person C might spin some lies that Person A isn’t interested.
- Person B might be very depressed and not have had very good experiences with other people. So when Person A fails to respond Person B assumes they are just like the rest and not genuinely interested.
The Manipulator In Control
The Manipulator (Person C), unless they are covert, will likely make it very clear to Person A that they are in control of Person B and that Person A should look elsewhere for connections. For example.
- Person C in a work situation will say they are working very closely on a joint project with Person B or try to rope them in with it.
- Person C in a partnership situation will insist they bind their relationship (e.g. marriage) as soon as possible). We’re not talking about healthy partnerships here. In the unhealthy situation only one will be in control and deciding what to do and when.
- In a family situation Person C will make it clear that Person B needs them more than they need outsiders or that they need to sort out family problems within their family. Person C will also make it clear that them and B are very close and nothing can break that up — Person A being a genuine healthy connection would have no interest in breaking anything up since they are not a manipulator.
Person C treats Person B as their prize that they can show off. They don’t see them as a real person with real emotions that matter. If Person C genuinely cared about Person B’s emotions then they’d allow them to connect with Person A without interference.
If Person C realises Person B is still interested in A or vice versa they might try:
- suggest or bully Person A into connecting with someone else of Person C‘s choosing.
- cut off complete communications with Person A if they have that much control.
Setting One Against The Other
This would be the ideal situation for The Manipulator. If they can get one to hate the other or get one or both angry with each other then it will make life a lot easier for them.
Say Person A needed help, but Person C blocked the communication and prevented the message from getting through. This could cause a negative or upsetting reaction with Person A with them feeling betrayed.
To add salt to the wound, Person C could even send a response back to A (pretending to be from B) implying that they’re not interested in Person C’s problems. If it happened regularly and there were deep emotions between the two, Person A could feel quite upset or even resentful; especially if Person A had suffered some past trauma in these areas which had affected their judgement of the situation.
That would also give a clue that Person C might be someone that Person A also knows if Person C knew what tripped Person A it could suggest some past connection where C had learnt about the emotional state of A.
If the situation was manipulated so one or both took revenge on each other then Person C will have won with flying colours. Connection severed and completely irreparable. Though it should be noted, with a genuine healthy connection it would unlikely be irreparable. There’s always some connection that remains.
Person B Wants to Reconnect With Person A
This causes problems for Person C as it would not serve their agenda. If Person C was genuine they would allow this to happen and even encourage it. Therefore The Manipulator (Person C) will do everything they can to stop it and turn their thoughts away from thinking it is ever going to be a good or realistic idea.
Differences between a manipulator and a genuine friend if Person B wanted to reconnect with Person A
Table 1: Differences Between a Manipulator and a Genuine Healthy Friend
Why Doesn’t an ‘A Person’ Simply Pull Away and Reconnect With Someone Else?
Because it’s not that simple. If it was then there was no real connection with A and B in the first place and no genuine connection would have taken place. This why people can still think about others long after circumstances have broken them apart. Because the connection is still there.
When two genuine healthy people physically meet, there is a slow but healthy connection as each one begins connecting with the other. A lot of this is illustrated in the previous article:
How Two Positive People Become Separated
https://icucss.wordpress.com/2021/07/17/how-two-positive-people-become-separated/
However we will illustrate it clearer for further understanding. Figure 7 shows this process.
The last part shown in Figure 7 is the most significant. It’s like a computer where it needs component parts linking together to function perfectly. The right connection means the component parts are linked it this allows the machine to operate fully.
In this case two humans have connected and integrated to allow them to work together on various projects to produce genuine healthy outcomes. They might not be consciously aware of all the processes involved but they’ll be aware of the connection. This will be reflected when they’re always happy when they meet and interact. The interaction feels good to each one and little effort is needed for that interaction and the positive sensation they get from it.
In a healthy connection they’ll stay connected for as long as they need to. They might also make other healthy interactions with other healthy people at the same time. This keeps them in state of positive well-being. Any issues can be worked out between those they are healthily connected with. There is trust between them and they will share things comfortably that they need to share. There is no pressure or force to share anything that is not needed.
Breaking The Connection
In Figure 8 below we see how Person C breaks the connection between Person A and Person B. It must be noted they cannot destroy the connection itself; and even if they could this would lead to damage to both parties and this is not in Person C’s agenda. The only option is to manipulate A or B or both to willingly separate from each other.
(Left) — Person C cannot attack the connection itself. If they were capable of doing such a thing it would lead to damage to both A and B. Imagine two people shaking hands. You don’t break that handshake by destroying both the hands shaking as that would physically damage both involved. But you could manipulate one or the other into withdrawing from the handshake.
(Middle) — Person C must thereby attack any vulnerabilities A or B has to get them to withdraw. The only real way to do this is to use shock tactics — forcing someone to experience trauma or a shock so the cease engaging in what they’re doing.
It’s A and B’s beliefs about what they can bring to each other that keeps them together. If Person C can change those beliefs in one or the other then the connection can be pushed apart; more on this in a minute.
(Right) — Person C forces A and B to withdraw from each other. However, even on some low level, there is still a connection. The low level is like the foundation for the connection, with what’s built on top as the rest of the connection. Person C therefore prizes apart what is on top because it’s what Person C can see, but they cannot feel the lower level foundation. Hence why people still think of those they were once deeply connected to. The connection is still there but the upper level has been dislodged.
Figure 8 — Click for Larger Image
Shock Tactics
The only way this tactic could work is if the Manipulator knows both parties. It doesn’t matter if they’re in the open or working covertly. But the Manipulator will know both people involved and their vulnerabilities in order to pull this one off.
They may have used a similar tactic on them before and noted its effects. Or they may have spoken to someone who used a similar tactic on them.
It should be noted if both A and B type persons are both in a healthy state then no manipulation tactics are going to break that connection. Person C would be seen as irrelevant by both and would be noticed if they tried their manipulation techniques on A and B. It would only work if A or B, or both, were in unhealthy states; having experienced some trauma that prevents them seeing the whole pictures.
It’s A and B’s beliefs about how each can benefit from the other that keeps them healthily connected. This connection actually remains on the lower level so can still be felt even if the upper is damaged. Figure 9 below illustrates this better.
Also see the post on An Anatomy of Self Hate for background on self rejection
https://icucss.wordpress.com/2021/05/27/case-8-an-anatomy-of-self-hate/
Figure 9
(Left) — Normal functioning human experiences things on the subconscious and conscious level. The conscious level interpreting what is physically happening around you.
Your subconscious is the foundation. This doesn’t change.
The foundation determines what is on top. They both look the same but are not experienced on the same level. Feelings and emotions will be on the foundation level whilst everything else is built on top.
(Right) — If any damaged is caused to the building on top or is demolished then all you see are the foundations. The foundations are not meant to be exposed this way. So you you would actually start feeling raw emotions. You would hurt. You would feel emotional pain. You feel this pain because something is missing. The foundations are not meant to be exposed. The foundations are integral to the building. The building cannot exist without the foundations.
When you unnaturally disconnect from a healthy connection it is like the building being ripped off its foundations and exposing the raw features below.
Just think a person’s skin being ripped off part of their body. The raw tissue underneath is exposed and this hurts. The skin is not meant to be removed. The raw tissue is not meant to be exposed.
The healthy interaction you were having with that healthy person was the skin or the building.
Why not simply find someone new? Purely because the connection still exists at the subconscious level. If that doesn’t match someone else you cannot rebuild what should be on top to any degree that it accurately connects with its foundation. It is healthier to try an reconnect than to try and build the wrong building on incorrect foundations. And if you are starting to function in a healthy way again you will be drawn to reconnect in any case. It’s purely logical.
If there’s a connection nearby that’s healthy for you then in a healthy state you will be drawn to that healthy connection. There’s no logical reason why you’d run off far and wide when there’s a connection already there. If there was a piece of bread on the table and you were starving, would you honestly not eat that bread because someone else suddenly said you couldn’t have that? It could be said that hunger is not a good comparison to emotions. Then think of raw emotions as open wounds. If they’re not healed then wound can get larger. The larger the wound the more pain the person feels. The more pain someone is in, the more likely they are going to start doing things to stop that pain. If they’re prevented from connecting with healthy people to stop that pain then they may go on to do more negative or harmful actions to themselves to make it stop. This is not a healthy situation to be in. This also illustrates how cruel and heartless Manipulative people truly are.
So with you only experiencing that connection on a foundation level you might feel that person but only experience the raw emotions of being disconnected from them. You wouldn’t be able to properly interpret that because you are missing the building/interaction which is supposed to sit atop the foundation. It’s like trying to picture a beautiful building but you cannot see it. Because the building is demolished and all you can see are the raw foundations.
How Shock Tactics Are Used
It is the beliefs of what A and B can do for each other that keep both connected. To get them to pull away Person C has to shock one or both into changing those beliefs into believing something negative about the connection instead.
First you have to understand how shock/trauma works.
Basically, a shock is an effective block on whatever emotions a person was experiencing at the time. I’ll do more on shock in a future post so for now we’ll keep it simple.
Example:
Person A is experiencing an emotion and a positive believe about Person B. The emotion and belief feel good and healthy. But then an action is performed that goes against that belief. Person A goes into shock i.e. they stop experiencing that emotion. They stop experiencing that emotion because they have a deep rooted fear that continuing will get them hurt. So they hold back the emotion.
Note: This will only work on someone who is not in a healthy state and who has experienced past trauma. A healthy person would see through the belief that challenged their own or not even see it at all.
Say in a work situation. Person A is supposed to be working with Person B on a project together. Person A is looking forward to this and feels positive about it and the interaction.
Person C (The Manipulator), makes it clear to Person A that C & B are actually working together instead on different project; making it clear that the interaction with Person A and B isn’t going to happen. Person A suddenly has a new belief that challenges their own with apparent overwhelming evidence; at least from Person A’s point of view.
Any emotions that were in play when the shock occurred will immediately be stopped. Not just stopped but permanently stuck in that stopped state with them unable to experience them again. Therefore, a section of their positive emotions for Person B will now have been knocked out and no longer functioning.
So this is what Person C will do. Introduce new scenarios that challenge Person A’s beliefs about Person B until all positive emotions for them are blocked. This will mean Person A will not be able to try to introduce new interactions with Person B because the mechanics involved in this have been knocked out. Like putting a spanner in the works to stop the machine functioning. Person C has thrown many spanners in to stop Person A functioning. Now think back to Figure 9 with the building. The building being the interaction. So Person C has effectively caused Person A’s building to be demolished leaving only the raw emotions exposed like an open wound. But this is actually far more damaging than Person C realises.
What Person C has done, is not only stopped Person A connecting with Person B but also stopped Person A from connecting with anyone else like Person B. That means the mechanics Person A used to connect with healthy people has been stopped from working. So unless Person A can repair the damage, Person A will just go on hurting until they decide they have had enough. You see now how cruel Manipulators really are and how their very actions can cause long term damaging effects to people without realising it.
The Ultimate Punishment
“If I cannot have control of them then neither will you!”
Should Person B cease connecting with Person C or start thinking about Person A again Person C will do everything they can to stop them reconnecting with Person A.
You see, if Person B disconnects, this is a failure for Person C and a humiliation. Person C has lost their prise. To see Person B and Person A reconnect would be the ultimate humiliation for Person C and it would highlight their failure. So they decide to punish them both; by making sure they have no chance of ever reconnecting again.
Things Person C would try:
- In a work situation encourage Person B to go for a promotion to another department or go for a transfer to another location. This physically prevents the two ever working together again and gets physical distance between them.
- Encourage them to try a new career path that will almost certainly send them away from Person A; either in distance or status.
- In a friendship encourage Person B to connect with other people that seem to have better connections or benefits than Person A.
- In a relationship encourage Person B to form a bond with someone else, someone controlling, someone they know will remove them from Person A.
- In a family situation encourage them to spend more time with family or family connections.
It is the ultimate punishment. They’re punishing Person B for leaving them but doubly punishing Person A by making sure they never ever are able to reconnect.
Conclusion
Manipulators only care about their own agendas. They do not care about the feelings or emotions of the people they’re using. If they genuinely cared they wouldn’t do it.
They do not care or think about the effects they have upon severing genuine healthy connections nor the long term damage it causes for both parties.
